Jokes – freshness guaranteed

April 14, 2011

Can’t shut her mouth after …

Filed under: All in the Family,Grandma — pramath @ 2:04 AM

Here is a girl who can’t shut her mouth after yawning.

Big deal!

My grandma went to sleep one day and could not open her eyes after that.

The doctor advised us to cremate her.

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January 22, 2010

She is determined not to hear


Unfortunately, old age related hearing loss is not complete. Sometimes an old person listens very well.

My grandmother caught the conversation between my dad and the doctor perfectly well. So she replied:  “Now I am not going to listen to you also, doctor!”

The doctor was rolling on the floor laughing the next moment.

She does not hear


My grandma was losing hearing. My father took her to a doctor. The doctor asked: “Since what time is she not hearing?”

“65 years!”

“Are you serious? You are getting her here now!”

“At first, she did not hear anything from my father. Now she does not listen to me!” Said my dad.

The doctor took some time to recover from the laugh.

Don’t talk to me!

Filed under: Grandma — pramath @ 10:09 AM

My grandma lost vision at the age of 75. She was gradually losing hearing also.

Suddenly her glaucoma eye started paining and we had to rush her for operation – and the operation was successful beyond imagination!

She started seeing after 10 years! Our joy had no bounds.

Soon after that she order my dad to get a bag, a slate, chalks and a duster. As soon as the items arrived, she ordered: “Nobody talks with me anymore!”

“WHAT?”

“Yes! Don’t talk to me!”

“Why?”

“Because…” She fumbled for words for a moment and then continued: “because I want you to talk to me for longer.”

“Now, please stop making riddles.”

“It is simple. I can’t hear properly. So you have to talk to me slow and loud and that may make you bored of talking to me. Instead, write to me on this slate! That will make you talk to me more!”

Everyone agreed and wrote: “Yes!”

Cyrillic

Filed under: Grandma — pramath @ 10:01 AM

In my high school days, I had a hobby of learning alphabets. Cyrillic (Russian) was one of the earliest I picked up.

My grandma started bothering me. “Good boy, why don’t you teach me to read that alphabet?”

“Grandma, you are 90 and you won’t go to Russia. Why do you need to learn?”

“I need to learn as many languages as possible as quickly as I can!”

“Why?”

“Who knows up there what languages would they be posting signs?”

Blind brother-in-law who tots a gun

Filed under: Grandma — pramath @ 9:58 AM

Typical to older ladies, one friend of my grandma was complaining about in-laws of her daughter: “You know what! My heart wrenches in telling you that she has got a real bad life! Poor child!”

“What is wrong?”

“Her brother-in-law is blind.” [Those were the days of joint families.]

“Well, so am I since a few years!” said my grandma.

“Ah, but you don’t tot a gun like him. This man is so bad of temper that upon slight friction he points a gun!”

“Now dear! If a blind man points a gun, should not your daughter with good sight move away?”

My grandmother’s friend did not speak with my grandma for six months!

From palmistry point of view

Filed under: Astrology, palmistry etc.,Grandma — pramath @ 9:45 AM

Once we had our astrologer-cum-palmist uncle (remember?) as our guest.

My grandma at the age of 92, along with all the neighbors, sat there for consultation.

“Why you, mother-in-law?” he asked.

“Ah, just wanted to make somethings clear.”

“What?”

“It looks like there is some confusion up there!  It seems Yama might be confusing my wrinkles with my lifeline.” She sent a wave of laughter in the house.

Why has life expectancy increased?


My grandma was a pretty happy woman. However, she did wonder what made her and her friends live rather longer life.

Once when I returned from my school, she caught me. “Come here and listen to me. Now everything is clear.”

“What is the matter, grandma?”

“All these years I was unclear about why do people of my generation suddenly started living longer when our elders died so early! Now I know.”

“What is the secret?”

“See, the LPG cylinder got over and the man came for the delivery. He was telling me that because there is less demand for cylinders this month. So his company was reluctant to take empty cylinders back.”

“What is the connection between LPG and long life?”

“There is, there is! See, your parents’ generation started having smaller families. So there is less demand for souls up there. So the old souls are not going back fast!”

Time has turned


“Time has turned bad!” was a constant complaint of my grandma’s friends.

My grandma was, as you know, was made different. She did not like whining of the old. So, once she challenged her friends: “How do you prove that time has turned bad?”

“Look dear, did you hear about so many heart attacks?” Said one.

“Or kidney failures or strokes?” Said the other.

“Let me see,” said the cheerful old lady. “What was average life span when we were younger?”

“Fifty years.”

“How much is it now?”

“Sixty five years.”

“See, because people are living longer, more types of diseases are getting a chance to show up! Had we been born before twenty years, we’d have been wiped out by simple flu!”

Waiting room

Filed under: Grandma — pramath @ 9:14 AM

It was grandma’s 90th birthday. One of us asked: “How do you feel like living this long, grandma?”

“Oh, it is like sitting in a waiting room!” She smiled and replied.

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